i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Success! We fucked roommates!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
