Kiss
Puke
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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