one two three fourrrrnication!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
