haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
