Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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