Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
