I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
