mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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