i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
