oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
