just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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