i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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