My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
