hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
