I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I need water and some morals
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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