i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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