can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
