My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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