I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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