So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
