I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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