new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
