Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
