I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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