Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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