a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
