Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
