my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
