You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
