I cannot find my penis.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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