even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
God, I missed his penis.
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