i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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