I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
