you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
whose ass print is on the piano?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
