i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
