i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
