You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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