What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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