I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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