Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
