OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
