My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.