I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
