I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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