elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just high enough for therapy.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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