I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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