It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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