You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
