So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
