everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
