Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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