Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
