upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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