You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
