saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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