I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
