Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
