I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
